I mean, between Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Norris you'd think we would have wiped out all other countries by now....but I digress, and normally I would apologize but once you feel the pain that was inflicted upon me with this movie you will be okay without it.
Now- before we go on I want to share that there are a lot of video clip in this one. The reason is that I wanted to properly convey how ridiculous this movie is and I felt the best way was to give you the original source material. It had nothing to do with the fact that typing this much makes my head hurt...the movie did that.
The Darkest Hour is about:
five young people lead the charge against an alien race who have attacked Earth via our power supply.
I should have learned my lesson by now that this was going to be bullshit. Before you say it, YES. I understand that this is a movie. make believe. But how can I even begin to enjoy a movie that presents itself as realism (real people living real lives in real cities) and then punch me in the face with the preposterous idea that 5 young people would be able to do anything against a clearly superior alien race, let alone lead the charge. And why does it matter that they are "young people"? Should I be more excited? Should I be rooting for them more? Or am I clearly not the demographic for this movie? Sadly I think number 3 is the answer.
So...
This Shakespearean drama begins on a plane bound for Moscow (that's in Russia for all you kids who this movie is clearly directed at). We immediately meet Sean (Emile Hirsch) and Ben (Max Minghella...yes Anthony was his father). One can easily peg these 2 guys as #1 and #2 young person in the fight against an alien invasion.This is where you see which one is the straight laced all business guy and which one is the douche who likes to joke around. I do not have to tell you who is who...
This clip is great though. you know who these people are AND you get a taste of what the problem is soon going to be...ominous electrical disturbance...yay? Indeed.
They land...and are off to a meeting where they are going to get the Russians to buy into their new social media platform - Facebo...oh, sorry I mean Globetrot.com.
This enables people to drink and dry hump with strangers all over the world. Don't take my word for it just ask Ben.
that's what I said.
They get to the meeting...only to find. DUN DUN DUN - Skyler (Joel Kinnaman) selling them out.
So- he's a bigger douche who steals the boys idea and sells his own version to the Russians. BLAM! Take that douche twins!
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| oh yeah...I'm trustworthy! |
How the fuck do you trust a guy with the name Skyler anyway? Now you have met #3 person in the fight against an alien invasion...although the actor is 33- so "young" is subjective I guess...shit- that makes me young-ish.
The boys, crushed and heartbroken do what everyone would do when their intellectual property gets stolen right from under them- they drink! Makes sense. i know i was already drinking by this point in the movie.
Cue ridiculous Russian nightclub. attractive people drinking and dry humping each other to jarring techno. my kind of place...if I were in Moscow and I lost a bet.
Attention screenwriters! If you are writing a movie where two people are having drinks. Please, for the love of all things warm and fuzzy DO NOT write this bullshit!!
I have to be honest. this is where I turned the movie off and had to take a cleanse the palate break.
Don't get me wrong- I didn't expect Atlas Shrugged but this writing is both not funny and completely stupid. It made me wonder: Does Hollywood assume the movie going audience is completely stupid? or are we really that stupid? The answer makes me shutter.
This magical bar scene is also where you meet the final 2 players in this fight against an alien invasion, Natalie(Olivia Thirlby) and Anne(Rachael Taylor). You don't need to know what they look like - doesn't matter. In case you need something to imagine- one's blonde with an Aussie accent and the other one has dark hair with a librarian vibe.
Both of these ladies are escaping something- Anne some guy I think...not important and Natalie - her mother...which I am not sure is important or not but they decided to show a text from her mother for like 5 whole seconds...
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| I mean who does this? WTF? |
Already I can't possibly like this woman. haven't you learned anything from Mr T?
Treat Your Mother Right!
Do yourself a favor- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U53XWlGK4hY
don't leave you Mother hanging...not cool bitch, not cool.
So Ben and Sean meet up with the girls...using the platform they created...bleh.
Oh- and remember Skyler? He's at this club too! Either the best club...or the only club. Either way the fact they are all in the same place...BORE.
Then what you are waiting for to happen...finally does. Let's set the mood.
1. The power goes out.
2. Everyone walks outside to see glowing things float down from the atmosphere.
3. Oh SHIT! phones are dead too! (thought that was a no brainer but...)
4. music is g e t t i n g TENSE!
Now the shit is ON like Donkey Kong, hittin' the fan like Pac-Man...ahem.
People are getting wiped out and all that is left is dust...and the occasional hat or shoe. All except our glorious team of 5 who, while everyone else was running aimlessly and screaming their heads off, have found a basement area behind the bar to hold up until daylight.
Well thank goodness- otherwise the movie would have ended then...and that would have been awful (I wish there was a sarcasm font)- cue daytime and the 5 decide the best course of action would be to find the American Embassy. We all know that place is just as fucked as the club was but how else would we get our hero's outside?
It's people! The dust...is...people!
Using a map that one gets at a McDonalds the 5 get super close to their objective until...
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| oopski |
begs the question- Are their a lot of Destroyers just tooling around the rivers of Moscow?
time for the standard movie detour which will allow you to find out:
1. more about the characters or
2. more about the aliens or
3. more about the characters figuring out about the aliens.
Once one of these happens the characters will usually move back to the original objective...for a little while anyway.
They decide to go with #2 to start.
We learn that the aliens are just as deadly during the day as they are at night.
Did I need to insert this clip? Of course not but Damn these aliens sure kill us in a super cool way.
Now back to the objective...and some reality
This is the second time I groaned during this movie and almost turned it off.
First of all they are all looking at different points
Secondly the distance between the actors fluctuates between the 2 viewpoints.
Thirdly- It is clearly time for someone to die...They aren't all going to make it? Are they?
Here we are, 5 totally unequipped men and women staring at a 4 ton machine that had absolutely no chance against these aliens and all they take from it is that they need to keep going to the American Embassy.
"The sooner we get to the Embassy, the sooner we get home."
What? Seriously- I want someone to go bat shit! Start screaming or shooting.
maybe a little of The Road happy fun time to come in or something and for one of the 5 to realize the futility of it all and jump or something...but alas- Natalie stayed put.
but...they do learn about the aliens.
I will say that it is after this moment the 5 do what I would have done at the very beginning. They go shopping!
then you find out that these aliens can't see behind glass- something about since the aliens bladdity blah then blah blah Zzzzzzzzzzzz
Guess what else is fucked. The team!
Skyler is the first to go...lame too! goes barreling down the street and dies for the others. Totally out of character...
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| this is his cat... |
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| oh yeah...totally not a nutjob |
This guy is an electrician who has devised a spectacular gun that disturbs the signal of the aliens force field by emitting a focused and powerful microwave beam...thereby making them vulnerable to things like bullets.
 | |
| of course it looks like this |
Aliens find them...as aliens tend to do and...
things don't go well and we lose some...
Did we talk about the submarine that is apparently in the river?
I thought not- at some point they get a radio and because everyone knows how to find lone transmissions they stumble upon a message that states they can meet at the submarine which, of course, is going to leave soon. OH NO! Now they have an urgency to get the fuck out of Moscow. Well- thank Jesus. I thought this movie was never going to end.
but before they get there...
1. the quality is shit- sorry about that
2. oh S H I T...I gotta say I didn't see that happening but now at least we know who the survivors are going to be. You gotta have at least one guy and one girl survive
Oh yeah, turns out they only want our minerals.
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| At least buy the Earth dinner first. |
you know the rest. aliens attack, humans triumph, they get to the submarine.
and this happens...
Seriously who the fuck wrote this? A love blossoming at the end of this? Aliens ravaging the world as you know it and you gonna sneak in some coy glances and smiles? ugh.
Also- who the fuck turns on an ipod that way...it reminded me of those old cowboy movies where it looked like they were trying to propel the bullet out of the gun as they were shooting injuns.
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| like this guy |
and as if I wasn't angry enough. Natalie get's a fucking text from her mother. apparently the first one WAS important.
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| oh Yay, Natalie didn't lose anything...and gained a boyfriend |
So...A few things I learned after watching this travesty of a film.
1. Even though a superior race lands here and starts fucking shit up- the human race will eventually turn the tides...somehow
2. even in the certain doom of the human race one can find love.
3. Ipod batteries last forever.
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| this is the last image of the movie...absolutely heartwarming |
Can you miss this movie? yes. yes you can.
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