1. Jon Favreau directed it (I'll get to that)
2. It's going to be a movie that combines COWBOYS & ALIENS.
needless to say I expected too much.
I was going to provide the imdb link to the synopsis but since it is only 2 sentences (the same number as From Justin to Kelly) i figure I could get away with simply pasting it...
A spaceship arrives in Arizona, 1873, to take over the Earth, starting with the Wild West region. A posse of cowboys are all that stand in their way.
seemed simple enough. Reading that synopsis I expected the movie to go something like this:
Aliens arrive. Aliens start killing humans. Human make a stand. Through impossible odds Human somehow repel and perhaps even kill the Alien invaders. Humans engage in some sort of barn dance or "hootenanny."
And then i saw the trailer....
So now I have to adjust...ahem
Bad guy wakes up. bad guy kills people. Hot girl arrives. Aliens arrive. Aliens start
I was assuming at this point the Hootenanny was still on the table.
What I never thought was going to be a part of this movie are what I am gonna call "moments."
So - here goes.
Jake (Daniel Craig) wakes up in the desert...no idea who he is or how he got in the middle of the desert...oh yeah- he also has a large metal bracelet on...as you know...that's important. actually its imperative to the outcome of the movie that he has it...but i digress. Oh yeah- he also has a sizable gash on his abdomen...
Since he wakes up with no shoes, no hat, or no horse you can bet someone is gonna show up soon...and you would have been right because no sooner does he start walking does a trio of bumpkins show up to give him everything he needs. I should pause here to bring up that one of the things I really tend to dislike in movies is when they show you something that you think is important only to never see it again. Or know why the filmmakers spent so much time on it. This is one of those scenes. The 3 men show up on horseback and surround Jake. The camera then shows you that all 3 men have scalps hanging from their saddles...why? to show that these men are bad asses? to show us the gritty nature of the "West?" or to simply show that when Jake kills these men so easily and completely we shouldn't give a shit because they were just complete assholes...and nobody cares when complete assholes die.
oh yes. i am talking about you guys...jerks!
After he dispatches of them he suits up and finds himself in a standard western town and gets patched up from the local Reverend Meacham (Clancy Brown) and it doesn't take long for him to get tangled up in the small town politics. This is where Harrison Ford comes in as the powerful cattle rancher (once Colonel) Woodrow Dolarhyde (even the name made me chuckle a little) who has a douche bag son Percy who likes to drink at the local saloon and then berate the owner Doc (Sam Rockwell). Percy starts fucking around with the town folk and then when he gets to Jake he gets his ass embarrassingly handed to him. Percy then (because he is also a coward) shoots off to the side...instead of trying to shoot Jake and of course hits a deputy...the sheriff (Keith Carradine - who btw appears 16th on the cast on imbd.com) arrests Percy -even though Percy's Dad is a big deal and this ain't gonna fly.
Meanwhile Jake decides to go the saloon and get some whiskey...why? It's a rule about Westerns - the hero has to be seen taking whiskey shots at a saloon.
Then enters
. (Ella)She starts badgering Jake with a lot of questions about who he is and you need to remember...she doesn't get far because then the Sheriff comes in with a ridiculous amount of deputies (not enough) and wants to arrest Jake too (turns out he is a big deal bank robber). As you can imagine- he doesn't go quietly. why? Another rule about Westerns. gotta have a bar fight in a saloon in a Western. True- scouts honor.
He seems to be doing great but then Ella cold cocks him in the head and down. he. goes!
Let's skip ahead to when the Aliens come- I mean that is what everyone is waiting for anyway- if i wanted to watch a western without Aliens i would have stayed at home and popped in Blazing Saddles.
It's nighttime. A whole lotta people are in the street to watch the prisoners get carted off to to the federal marshal's...when all of a sudden...Dolarhyde shows up to collect his boy. Oh- and to collect Jake as well (turns out Jake stole from Dolarhyde)...when all of a sudden...YES- the Aliens come and start shooting the crap out of things...as only Aliens can...oh yeah- they are also lassoing humans and carrying them off. Lassos? the Aliens - who have space ships and lasers are using LASSOS to steal humans. Guess Favreau wanted to give the movie some "authenticity."
And now a break as to why i should have known better when I found out Jon Favreau directed this movie.
Zathura
Iron Man 2
I don't care what you say- these movies are horrible. Zathura was a fucking mess and Iron Man 2...well- I'll have to address that in another post.
Zathura
Iron Man 2
I don't care what you say- these movies are horrible. Zathura was a fucking mess and Iron Man 2...well- I'll have to address that in another post.
During this one sided fight Jake's fancy bracelet begins to glow and then expands to reveals itself as a tracking device and weapon. As a space ship approaches him he (somehow knowingly) points this bracelet at the ship and with his mind...
yes I said that!
with his mind he shoots down the craft. And now my favorite dialog exchange of the movie:
Dolarhyde: Where did you get that?
Jake: I don't know
Dolarhyde: whattya mean you don't know?
did I mention that some of the dialog seemed awkward? Because here's the thing, after this witty exchange Jake just stares at him...and Dolarhyde drops it.
ugh.
Thankfully it is at this point when Dolarhyde and Jake decide to stop talking and team up to find all of the taken people and to fight these Aliens. They are going to do this by tracking an alien that was wounded when Jake shoots down its ship. Thank God- because this is what I was waiting for...more talking and more character development in a movie that is called Cowboys & Aliens!
Dolarhyde: Where did you get that?
Jake: I don't know
Dolarhyde: whattya mean you don't know?
did I mention that some of the dialog seemed awkward? Because here's the thing, after this witty exchange Jake just stares at him...and Dolarhyde drops it.
ugh.
Thankfully it is at this point when Dolarhyde and Jake decide to stop talking and team up to find all of the taken people and to fight these Aliens. They are going to do this by tracking an alien that was wounded when Jake shoots down its ship. Thank God- because this is what I was waiting for...more talking and more character development in a movie that is called Cowboys & Aliens!
It's in the next half hour where you get all the back story. Jake was in love with a prostitute and he stole a butt load of gold so they could go away but before they could the Aliens took them. While on the ship Jake watches his love die. It is at this moment when you realize that these aliens are going down. Picture a big ass alien...just after he disposes of Jake's love it then crosses to Jake (who is for some reason not restrained at all) and takes off his fancy bracelet and sets it down. Of course realizing (somehow) that this is valuable Jake takes his shot- grabbing something sharp and slashing the aliens face, grabbing the bracelet, and somehow escapes...only one alien on shift that day I guess...and it was apparently in too much pain to recover or go after one simple human.
Have I mentioned that there is a Native American in Dolarhydes crew? This character becomes more important than anyone (him included) ever thought. I don't want to ruin the surprise but I firmly believe that the whole plan would have crumbled had they not had Nat Colorado with them...yep- that's his name...
Back to the "action" - The gang tracks the alien to an upside down steamboat...in the middle of the desert...the good thing is that they are as perplexed as i was by seeing this...the bad thing is that this is never explained - believe me when i say that there is no plausible explanation as to why there is steamboat hundreds of miles away from any body of water that could support it!
looked something like this.They of course decide to enter.
Here you are treated to a few small scenes where Dolarhyde reveals a soft side, Jake takes his shirt off (there is no reason to show this beyond letting the audience look at Daniel Craig's chest), and the alien attacks a small boy that for some reason has been allowed to travel with them. He then gets saved by Meacham who, because someone hasn't died in a little while, gets attacked by the alien. He dies but not before he has a touching moment with Jake holding his head while he imparts wisdom.
They continue. They continue with the knowledge that they are going to need a lot more men. A lot more guns.
Jake then (after regaining enough of his memory) locates his old gang of miscreants. they get into it and while they are being chased the aliens come back. YAY! things explode. people get lassoed - including Ella. Good thing Jake is both smart AND kick ass. he decides the best course of action is to ride along side the ship that holds Ella (horses were faster then) and at the right moment he jumps from his horse and onto the ship.
don't ask me how far he jumped. it was impossible. I have decided to let it go. I suggest you do the same.
He gets her free and they fall into a river. safe...well not yet because then an alien emerges behind them and long story short the aliens kills Ella and Jake kills the alien.
Cue the local Indigenous tribe. Thank GOD they have a Native with them. Also thank GOD that he also speaks the same language as the tribe they run into. a bit too convenient but its a pretty standard bullshit move on Hollywood's part.
they take them all prisoner and in front of everyone decide to throw Ella's dead body into a fire. Now I am certainly not an expert on Native American rituals but even I know you shouldn't throw a dead body into the same fire you are huddled around for light and warmth.
Turns out it was a good thing they did this because then the fire goes crazy and Ella emerges. naked and unharmed.
Oh shit! she's an alien herself! BOOM! Get ready for more back story.
She is an alien from a world that had already been visited by the aliens currently occupying the USA and she is on a mission to try to find out what happened to her people. She also reveals why the aliens are here in the first place.
Gold.
Turns out it is as rare for them as it is for everyone else. You mean to tell me that this was the best reason you could come up with? lame. people behind me actually groaned.
They talk these indigenous peeps into coming with them. How you ask? Good ole Nat Colorado again saves the day. again. The Natives are reluctant to follow a former Colonel (who used to kill the natives) so Nat shares with them with a tale of how the Colonel took him in as an orphan boy and was the best and most honorable men he had ever known.
This tale was enough for the Natives to forget years of abuse, death, and betrayal and decide to help out.
Jake also convinces his old gang (who we last saw trying to kill him) to come along as well.
They finally get to the ship and they now have what looked like roughly 100 men. No one at this point seems to think the ratio of huge scary aliens:100 humans with guns is a problem. They do know that they have no chance if they go in but they decide that they may have a shot if they can draw them out. (you learn they don't care for the light) They set off an explosion and here come the aliens and these aliens start plowing through these men like a fat man through a cheeseburger.
Meanwhile Jake and Ella enter the ship. find all of the townsfolk that have been taken. free them. and then blast the crap out of some aliens while simultaneously moving deeper and deeper into the ship. They proceed from room to room until they find the room where it all began...and guess who's there waiting for them? The same alien who Jake slashed across the face. This is also where the majority of the movie audience had to stifle their groans. The movie goes through ridiculous lengths to show you that its the same alien that when you get to the actual full reveal- it's just laughable. Jake kills the alien in less time that it took to set the scene up and now we are back to going room to room. It is at this point where you find out Ella's reason for being there. She is going to find the core and blow the ship up so this doesn't happen again.
It was then I wondered about the rest of the aliens. The ones no one is talking about. The ones on some home planet somewhere. Is there some reason that they aren't going to wonder where there friends are? You can't expect me to believe that these are the only aliens from this race of aliens. The fact that there are 2 different races of aliens introduced in this movie alone also indicates that there must be a whole lot of other alien races out there. All of them being far superior to us poor humans who still ride other beings to get from A to B.
Let's leave them inside and return to what's happening outside...aliens running around kicking some human butt. Dolarhyde finds himself a little screwed and an alien has set his sights on taking his revenge for what happened to Greedo. (the alien who was brutally murdered years prior by Dolarhyde...or someone "like " Dolarhyde) but before the alien can exact his revenge The Colorado Kid comes in and distracts the alien so that Dolarhyde can pop 2 shots in its head. Nat becomes mortally wounded in the process and this is when the worst "movie moment" happens in this film.
Dolarhyde, while apocalyptic style carnage is happening all around, cradles Nat's head in his arms and then:
Nat: I am honored to have been in battle with you.
Dolarhyde: I wish i had a son like you.
awful.
Meanwhile Jake gets out as the ship is taking off. Ella finds the core. ship blows up. Ella sacrifices herself for the entire Universe.
HOOTENANNY? not quite...but the scene where all of the humans are looking at the sky and seeing the ship blow up reminded me of a scene very similar...
Take out Ewoks and insert Native Americans.
The movie ends with all of the townsfolk going back to their dusty lives and Jake deciding that he needs to move on. The last person he says goodbye to is Dolarhyde...and after all they have gone through the best he can come up with as parting words is:
Dolarhyde - She's in a better place.
Yep...that is how the movie ends.
what I learned.
1. The human race would have been completely screwed had it not been for one man stealing an alien bracelet.
2. Don't piss off Americans. U S A! U S A!
can you miss this movie? yes. yes you can.
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